How The Midwest Was Won

I asked him if he’d hang out with Kanye (this was pre-Taylor Swift, of course), and he got this serious look on his face and there was this really awkward silence, then he raised hand to his chin as if he was deep in thought, before quickly dropping it and uttering the bluntest “No” I’ve ever heard.

because hey, let’s face it, butts are pretty cool.

but I feel like there aren’t twelve good songs about the gnarliness of amble derrières.

if I start posting some writings on here, be it editorials or reviews or whatev, would any of you actually read them?

Of course you didn’t, because no one watches the Olympics.

I need new hobbies.

and the wind stops and all the trees are still and the birds haven’t started chirping back up again and everything around you starts lighting up way way brighter than it did before the storm even though the sky’s still full of grey clouds?

I dig that.

If you said yes, and you’re not one of the three women who got kicked out, you’re lying.

I’m going to have a little private back room separated by a thick black curtain, where people can buy their Neil Diamond, Gin Blossoms and Better Than Ezra albums free of shame.

I think I’d like to marry Anne Hathaway, if that’s alright with everyone.

not really pumped. But hey, at least it’s in a fancy hotel and there’s an open bar.

The girl can’t sing, her lyrics are unbelievably juvenile….why are we eating this shit up? If I have to hear one more song about how she’s some innocent little princess and every other girl is a dirty whore because they’re with some guy, I’m going to lose my mind.

I mean, it’s awesome we’re giving so much attention to a female artist, but can’t we give some of that to one with actual talent, who isn’t just a part of this privileged manufactured shit? At least Jenny Lewis has some fucking wit.

sounds like a solid night to me.

is that the rest of Tumblr will never, ever stop reblogging them.

and she turns out to be unbelievably racist and thinks Romney would make a good president.

No thanks.

Seems like a good use of time, no?